A No Brainer {Scene: Evil Eisner's lab, of course. As always, his tank and Mickey are behind a computer. The nameless Lab Assistant is missing. Instead, Minverva Bilderpavsky is with them.} Eisner: At last we managed to steal a nuclear warhead! Thanks to the failing Russian security! [Minerva hold up the tip of her tail which is singed and shows it to Eisner.] Minerva: Russian security burn my tail! They had flamethrowers. You call that failure? Eisner: Yeah, well I admit that was frustrating. It was like playing pong for two hours straight, it drives you mad. Mickey: Which means we should be immume. Minerva: I kept tail under tap for day and night and still hurts. Eisner: Fine, as long as you turned it off after using it. I don't need a high water bill as well. Mickey: So what will we do with that nuke? Eisner: We do what all evil geniusses do: call the big people. Give me the president of the United States! Minerva: Yippee! We're meeting the powers! [The screen on the computer goes on and shows the president. Minerva gradually moves closer to Eisner to take the spotlight as well.] Eisner: Mr. President, we stole a nuclear weapon from Russia. Guess what we're going to do. [Minerva holds up two fingers behind Eisner's brain tank.] President: (enthusiastic like a child) Is it the really secret weapon Putin boasted about? Are you going to give to us as a peace offering? Eisner: Eh, no. It's just a regular warhead to decimate a city. And we're going to give it to you allright. That is, unless, you pay.......... One hundred million Dollars! [Mickey whispers something to Evil Eisner, who corrects himself.] Eisner: Sorry, wrong currency. One hundred million Euro! Minerva: No no no! World currency is Yuan! Mickey: Eh, it isn't. Minerva: Well it should be! Eisner: Hey, I'm the one who decides on the currency here. You know what, while we're at it we'll demand...... One hundred million Pounds! President: Surely you can't mean that! That's twice the amount than is customary in nuclear blackmail, when converting the pound. American companies will be furious at me! What's worse, Tony Blair will think I really love England! Eisner: I just want a lot of money. It's either that or I'll nuke a major American city. [Minerva, standing next to Eisner subtely pushes the brain tank away with her foot, leaving her in front of the President.] President: Please let it be Los Angeles. California voted against me during re-election. [Mickey pushes Eisner's tank back on screen, reaffirming to the president it's not Minerva he should be dealing with.] Eisner: No way, I was thinking of the Marshall Islands. [Minerva starts to crack up and erupts in laughter.] Eisner: What, what are you smiling at? Minerva: Marshall Islands are deserted mostly. Has very small population and are far removed from each others. Eisner: So? It sounds powerful. President: (clutching the screen) Don't you dare nuke the Marshall Islands! We got hundreds of soldiers there and all my research on Chemical and Biological weapons will be lost! Eisner: Okay, you win. Target: Washington DC. [The screen is turned off.] Eisner: Prepare the nuclear missile! Mickey: Aren't you going to wait for the ransom? Eisner: What's so important about that? I got tons of cash. Besides, even if they pay I'm still going to turn the capitol into a glass wasteland. Mickey: Okay then. Uhm, what do all these labels mean? They're all in Chinese. Eisner: What? Why? Minerva: Because I made them. That means you cannot go without me. You not fire me like last female lab assistant. Eisner: At least she was...nicer. Allright, you do the button work. [Behind a large glass wall, a nuclear missile rises up, ready for launch. On the side of the missile are the words "Property of Micheal "Evil" Eisner. Unmapped Island in the Pacific Ocean. Return when found".] Eisner: On the count of one minute, press the big button which reads "Do not push". Minverva: (counting down in Chinese) Y, Ar, San... (interupting) Wait a minute, how did you read label? Eisner: Eh, plot convenience. Just count down. Minerva: (counting down again) Y, Ar, San... Intruder: Not so fast Eisner! Eisner: What? Why didn't the skylight break? [Camera shows Zipper. Somehow, plot convenience gave him a voice to speak. Or the author, whatever.] Zipper: I just entered through the ventilation system. Stealth is my ally. Mickey: I guess you're a 'fly on the wall' then. (starts laughing) [When he doesn't notice anyone else laugh, he stops.] Mickey: What? Isn't that funny? Eisner: No. Zipper: I'm supposed to foil your plan. Can we keep this centralised? [From behind his back, he pulls out a bowling ball many times his own size. He spins it on his finger.] Zipper: If you don't get away from that control panel, I'll throw this at you. Eisner: Where do you get the strength to use it? And how do you hide something like that? Zipper: Why do girls love Brad Pit? Some things no one can answer. Minerva: Yuch! Brad Pit! Eisner: There you ask me something. (starting to get angry) What's so special about Brad Pit? I have a female relative who wanders the streets looking for Brad Pit. She sincerely hopes to find him one day and become engaged. And what is Brad supposed to say when they meet? (furious) How about: "Finally! A South Carolina woman of forthy years, married with five children, crooked chin and lobsided! Finally! This is what I dreamed of my whole pathetic actor life! Anna, come with me and we'll fly away. Against the turning of the world so we'll always have a sunset! We'll be happy!" Get lost with Brad Pit, it's driving me jealous -eh- mad! Mickey: Does Gadget admire Brad? Zipper: *gasp*! You know her name!? Mickey: Yeah sure I do. She's that little young duck girl that's on your show with that big bear and clown wearing a cloak and a mask. Zipper: *yegh* What kind of a Disney character are you? Eisner: A corrupted one. LAUNCH THE MISSILE! [Zipper looks shocked, but determinedly throws the bowling ball. It rolls toward the trio.] Minerva: LAUNCH THE MI- [SFX of a bowling ball hitting the pins. Mickey, Eisner's tank and Minerva drop like dominos when Zipper's bowling ball hits the trio. Zipper flies to the control panel of the computer and quickly starts pressing the button.] Mickey: Get away from that panel! [Mickey tries to slam his hand down on the fly, but Zipper dodges and Mickey ends up hitting the "Do Not Push" button.] Eisner: There! The missile is launched. There is nothing you can do about it now! Eisner wins this time! MWuhahahaha!!! Zipper: Oh that's what you think. Anyway, byebye. [Zipper waves goodbye and leaves the command center through the ventilation system.] Eisner: Hahaha! I'm triumphant! And now...It's time to congratulate my allies! [A moment later Eisner is on the phone. The screen is divided to show him and the person he's talking to. His mobile tank holder has a robotic arm holding the reciever close to his tank. On the right side is Osama Bin Laden in some shoddy hideout.] Eisner: You did great on that raid. Our missile is launched and the US is dooooomed! I'm looking forward to assaulting nuclear silos with you again. Are you available for friday? Osama: Sorry, but the Taliban requested some suicide bombing for Iraq that day. Do you have time on sunday? Eisner: That's a day for rest. So I suppose all the guards would be gone anyway. That'd be really evil though, to steal warheads when the guards are home. Osama: Deal. By the way, I'm out of post stamps and need to send another tape to Al-Jazira. Can you bring some for when we meet? [A white paw knocks on Eisner's tank. It twitches.] Eisner: Hold on, I think this is urgent. [Minerva moves into the left screen with a sheet of paper.] Minerva: I think I have unfortanate news. Eisner: Is it from those misfortune cookies we're giving with every dinner at Disneyland nowadays? Minerva: No, it's about missile. I looked over programming and coordinates have been altered by Zipper. Missile is not going for Washington DC. Eisner: What? Then where did that miserable fly send it? [On the right screen, Osama blinks and rolls his eyes suspiciously. A loud roaring sound increases volume.] Eisner: Osama, you still there? It seems our missile launch went unsuccesful. We have to try again. [The roaring reaches its climax. Suddenly the right screens switches to static.] Eisner: Osama...? Strange, he never hung up on me. [Fade to black. Zipper appears on screen reclining in a beach chair with a ladybug and hornet feeding him small fruits.] Zipper: Believe me, chicks dig bugs that win at bowling.